A long time coming

It's a weird thing when you create a human being with someone and then that someone wants nothing to do with you for 11 years.
I have to consistently remind myself that this isn't about me, not since the moment I got pregnant.

Do you know my story? I have a few friends who have been around since the beginning, I love that. Their love and support got me through a difficult time and they are the best cheerleaders as they watch how things have turned out!
But for friends just joining us:

• In 2008 I was asked to leave my parents home after blowing way too many chances to abide by the household rules. It was arranged for me to stay with my Grandparents.
• The same weekend I lost my job and my boyfriend, I became depressed and didn't do much except go to church and work.
• I jumped on the chance to move in with a friend from church.
• Finally I got my heart right with God and decided I could not live both in the world and serve Jesus.
• I met an awesome guy and spent all my time either with him or talking to him
• After just 6 short weeks of living with my friend she snapped one night and told me I couldn't sleep there, I had to find a place to go at 2am. 
• Out of pride I didn't ask my parents to let me come home. I spent the next month or so house hopping at friends, eventually ending up at a house sitting job for a few weeks
• That guy lived in the next neighborhood over, I knew better but I invited him over. I had little respect for myself and eventually gave in to his persistent advances to sleep together. 
• At 20 and 19 yrs old we were pregnant, he was just weeks away from leaving for a 6 month long missions trip. 
• Here's where it got ugly. There were lots of tears and emotions as I began to experience a mother's love for the first time amidst the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. Babydaddy wanted to give him up for adoption, he wanted to run away to this mission trip, my family was ashamed of me. My friends were so sweet to love me and support me but I know there were whispers behind my back, how could they not? It felt like every day I was emailing back and forth with Babydaddy, arguing about something. I ran to the guidance and counsel of our pastor, I drew even closer to my church family and leaned on God for strength daily. 
• Donny (babydaddy) took a job in Hawaii, he came home about 4 weeks before my due date. Unlucky for him - Asher was 2 weeks late.
• I had hoped and prayed that maybe when the baby was here he would bond with him and decide to be a dad. He'd made it clear he didn't want anything to do with me and even said he never had feelings for me. Ouch!
• While being induced at 42 weeks, we had a text conversation where he admitted he was only coming to the hospital to have a paternity test done. We had already agreed it would be best for him to see the baby after the birth. But this made me mad so I stopped responding and focused on bringing my baby earthside.
• Asher was born May 9, 2009 at 8:11pm. His father said he had a bad headache and a sunburn and couldn't make the trip to the hospital to meet him. The next day was my first Mother's Day. I told him I didn't want him to ruin it so not to bother coming, he could visit us the following day at my parents house.
• Asher saw his father a handful of times in the first 2 years of life with the last visit being when he was about 18 months old.
• Tim came into our lives at about that time, picked up the pieces of our broken little family and glued them together. Tim stepped into the role of Asher's Daddy, his entire family adopted Asher into their hearts as theirs also. 
• In 2012 Donny asked if Tim would adopt Asher so he didn't have to pay child support anymore, also his mom called me and said she no longer wanted a relationship with Asher.
• In 2013 Donny stopped paying child support
• In 2014 we moved to Raleigh, filed for and were awarded court ordered child support
• In 2015 Asher asked to Skype with Donny, which they did a few times before Donny canceled and never rescheduled
• In 2018 Asher had a really rough year emotionally, threatening to harm himself, crazy tantrums and angry outbursts. He also went overboard on telling tall tales and making up things about his biological dad to fill in the blanks. It was advised to us he may need to connect with him to help him feel more rooted and grounded
• In January 2019 I reached out to Donny to inquire about getting them together
• In May 2019 he responded and agreed
• In August 2019 he sent an apologetic email for the first time, acknowledging that he had hurt us and he was wrong for not responding for such long lengths of time, and begged for another chance to spend a day with Asher.

All of that leads to the point of this blog.. Finally, after over a year of considering this and planning it, they had a day together. 

We were all pretty nervous, it was weird and awkward. But like I said at the beginning of this post, I had to remind myself this isn't about me. Donny took Asher to all the places we don't usually take him except for special occasions because they're too expensive. So of course Asher had a blast and thought it was the best day ever. 

Both expressed interest in doing this again one day.

Here's where I have to take a moment to brag on my man, and sidenote - it has been pointed out that I have a thing for chubby bearded guys. I'd like to think this was an interesting coincidence as I did not seek out either of these men ;) Anyway - when I had decided that Donny waited too long to get back to me and missed his chance to spend time with Asher, it was Tim who talked me into saying yes anyway. Tim suggested he may have had a genuine change of heart. Tim shook his hand with a smile and engaged conversation as he would with anyone. 

When I was pregnant with Asher, a friend told me "It takes a special kind of person to love your child like their own." Well I found my special person, not only that but he welcomed my sons father with open arms into our home and life. I am just amazed by him! 

Tim and I know we've opened Asher up to potentially being hurt, but that is a risk we are willing to take. Since this visit we have seen Asher change and grow and gain a confidence he didn't have before. We are so proud of our boy and will continue to support him as the Lord leads us.