Jealousy
I have truly struggled lately with some emotional things from my past and it wasn't until today I realized what that was. Jealousy.
I found out I was pregnant with Asher a week before my 20th birthday, I told his dad, he freaked out, I told my parents, they freaked out, I told my friends, they didn't know if they should say "Congrats" or "I'm sorry." A week after that positive HPT the bio-dad informed me he was continuing his plans to go on a 6 month long missions trip. I was crushed, I didn't want him to leave because I knew he would be disconnected from what was happening.
Upon returning he was offered a full time position in Hawaii and didn't come home until Asher was due to be born. When Asher was born the bio-dad texted that he was unable to come see him in the hospital because he had a headache and sunburn. The day he did meet Asher he sat down a few feet away from me and immediately pulled out a paternity test. That night I cried myself to sleep finally realizing he wasn't in this with me and didn't want to be.
The rest of the relationship pretty much went along the same lines. Asher was 100% my responsibility and I had no one to share those midnight feedings or first moments with. It became our normal and we survived alright, then our lives were forever changed when my now husband came along, pursued me despite my rejection and assumed parental responsibility for my little man.
Today we are a happy healthy family of 4 and hopefully more in the future! We have been blessed to where Tim is the only "Daddy" Asher has known and they are both ok with that. I have told Asher he has a biological dad and that he lives far away but to a 5 yr old that makes no sense.
So that's where we came from, today I have been through many many months of SOZO and inner healing, counseling, and just gaining support and wise counsel from a Pastor and very dear friend. However I still struggle sometimes. I do wonder about the what if's, usually I squash those thoughts because they are unhealthy but they have been coming up more and more lately.
I am facebook friends with what is technically Asher's "stepmom" although they will likely never meet. A very sweet girl and from what I see on facebook we have a lot in common. Recently bio-dad and step-mom had twins and the photo's will come up on my news feed. Sweet baby boys that I can see just a little of what Asher looked like as a newborn, I love pics of babies I don't care whose they are! The problem lies where I can see that bio-dad loves these babies and takes care of them. It makes me mad, it makes me angry, it makes me sad, it makes me jealous. My own sweet boy didn't have that from him or anyone until he was 2. Now I know we're very blessed that he was only 2 but those year prior were the hardest most painful I have ever endured.
So the 'what if's' begin to come up, what if Asher's bio-dad had helped raise him. What if we had pursued a relationship, what if I had met Tim while I was pregnant with Asher and he would have assumed that role much sooner. I don't usually answer these 'what if's' because I am completely happy and content with how things turned out. The emotions still get me though, I guess it's the Mama Bear in me.
As a parent you want the best for your children no matter what that means. I would give my life for either of my children without thinking about it and I know Tim would do the same. It just tears me up inside to know that the biological father of my son does not feel the same way yet has that with other children. He has visited 3 times and called him once, he sent 2 Christmas presents and child support for 4.5 years. We are now pursuing legal child support. How can someone create a life and abandon it only to start a new one as if nothing happened? And his parents, very loving sweet people who came into Asher's life when he was 8 months old. He told them I didn't want to meet them and told me they didn't want to meet me. He also told me they lived an hour away when in fact they were 15 mins down the road. We happened to meet and they pursued a wonderful relationship with Asher and friendship with me, we spent many wonderful hours together over the years. So when my husband and I prepared to be married they call and let me know because Tim plans to adopt Asher they feel they need to step away from the relationship. I said I didn't think it was necessary but they felt it was. So thank God Tim's parents welcomed Asher with open arms like he had always been there. I forget most days that there's no blood relation. It's a beautiful thing! Then I see more photo's on facebook of how happy the biological grandparents are with new grandbabies as if Asher never existed and doesn't mean anything to them. That hurts, I'm just glad Asher doesn't understand.
I guess the conclusion is I need to make some adjustments to facebook so I no longer see these photo's and updates that upset me so much and work through more of this emotional scarring. I have been blessed with a husband I couldn't have dreamed up if I tried and a beautiful family and in-laws that a girl dreams of having. I know and I will be focusing on those wonderful things, sometimes a girl just has to let it out!
I found out I was pregnant with Asher a week before my 20th birthday, I told his dad, he freaked out, I told my parents, they freaked out, I told my friends, they didn't know if they should say "Congrats" or "I'm sorry." A week after that positive HPT the bio-dad informed me he was continuing his plans to go on a 6 month long missions trip. I was crushed, I didn't want him to leave because I knew he would be disconnected from what was happening.
Upon returning he was offered a full time position in Hawaii and didn't come home until Asher was due to be born. When Asher was born the bio-dad texted that he was unable to come see him in the hospital because he had a headache and sunburn. The day he did meet Asher he sat down a few feet away from me and immediately pulled out a paternity test. That night I cried myself to sleep finally realizing he wasn't in this with me and didn't want to be.
The rest of the relationship pretty much went along the same lines. Asher was 100% my responsibility and I had no one to share those midnight feedings or first moments with. It became our normal and we survived alright, then our lives were forever changed when my now husband came along, pursued me despite my rejection and assumed parental responsibility for my little man.
Today we are a happy healthy family of 4 and hopefully more in the future! We have been blessed to where Tim is the only "Daddy" Asher has known and they are both ok with that. I have told Asher he has a biological dad and that he lives far away but to a 5 yr old that makes no sense.
So that's where we came from, today I have been through many many months of SOZO and inner healing, counseling, and just gaining support and wise counsel from a Pastor and very dear friend. However I still struggle sometimes. I do wonder about the what if's, usually I squash those thoughts because they are unhealthy but they have been coming up more and more lately.
I am facebook friends with what is technically Asher's "stepmom" although they will likely never meet. A very sweet girl and from what I see on facebook we have a lot in common. Recently bio-dad and step-mom had twins and the photo's will come up on my news feed. Sweet baby boys that I can see just a little of what Asher looked like as a newborn, I love pics of babies I don't care whose they are! The problem lies where I can see that bio-dad loves these babies and takes care of them. It makes me mad, it makes me angry, it makes me sad, it makes me jealous. My own sweet boy didn't have that from him or anyone until he was 2. Now I know we're very blessed that he was only 2 but those year prior were the hardest most painful I have ever endured.
So the 'what if's' begin to come up, what if Asher's bio-dad had helped raise him. What if we had pursued a relationship, what if I had met Tim while I was pregnant with Asher and he would have assumed that role much sooner. I don't usually answer these 'what if's' because I am completely happy and content with how things turned out. The emotions still get me though, I guess it's the Mama Bear in me.
As a parent you want the best for your children no matter what that means. I would give my life for either of my children without thinking about it and I know Tim would do the same. It just tears me up inside to know that the biological father of my son does not feel the same way yet has that with other children. He has visited 3 times and called him once, he sent 2 Christmas presents and child support for 4.5 years. We are now pursuing legal child support. How can someone create a life and abandon it only to start a new one as if nothing happened? And his parents, very loving sweet people who came into Asher's life when he was 8 months old. He told them I didn't want to meet them and told me they didn't want to meet me. He also told me they lived an hour away when in fact they were 15 mins down the road. We happened to meet and they pursued a wonderful relationship with Asher and friendship with me, we spent many wonderful hours together over the years. So when my husband and I prepared to be married they call and let me know because Tim plans to adopt Asher they feel they need to step away from the relationship. I said I didn't think it was necessary but they felt it was. So thank God Tim's parents welcomed Asher with open arms like he had always been there. I forget most days that there's no blood relation. It's a beautiful thing! Then I see more photo's on facebook of how happy the biological grandparents are with new grandbabies as if Asher never existed and doesn't mean anything to them. That hurts, I'm just glad Asher doesn't understand.
I guess the conclusion is I need to make some adjustments to facebook so I no longer see these photo's and updates that upset me so much and work through more of this emotional scarring. I have been blessed with a husband I couldn't have dreamed up if I tried and a beautiful family and in-laws that a girl dreams of having. I know and I will be focusing on those wonderful things, sometimes a girl just has to let it out!
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