The 4th Trimester

     It's always bugged me when people say "mom and baby are doing great" after a birth announcement. You know even if that mom had a great labor and delivery she's in a good amount of pain. That's not "doing great", can't we be honest and say mom is managing the pain __? Or even saying mom and baby are healthy, prayers appreciated for mom's pain. 

    To be physically attached to your baby for the better part of a year and then abruptly separated is hard. I know others handle it better than I do, I struggle to have the baby anywhere but in my arms. My heart aches when she's not with me, it makes sharing her with family really difficult. The first time Tim took her downstairs while I sat in the bed felt like he took her across state lines without me. Maybe I'm a little crazy but these are honest emotions I'm working through. Elyanna's whole kindergarten year I struggled with that heartache every time I dropped her off at school. I know each season I will work through more heartache as Genevieve becomes more and more independent. 

    I am doing really well, 4 weeks postpartum. But that first week... oh my goodness I was miserable. Like the pregnancy, there was no way to rest comfortably with stitches (vaginal tearing) and back spasms. The shooting pain throughout my back was an awful reminder of the epidural I had chosen. I had taken so much pride in being able to give birth naturally and it felt wrong to receive pain meds this time. Speaking of pain meds, I kept ibuprofen on my nightstand and had to stay on top of taking it to help ease the pain. I really could not think of anything other than taking care of myself and my baby that first week, thankfully Tim managed everything else, including bringing meals to me.

    I cannot put into words my gratitude for my husband and how well he served me, I barely had to leave the bed that first week. Tim even filled my peri bottle with warm water for me, gently helping me out of bed when I needed it. Tim was up with me at night doing diaper changes and still getting everyone ready and out the door to school each morning, he did the dishes, laundry, cleaning and cooking. Yes some well deserved naps too. I told him he's finally fulfilling my love language! It was the little things that meant the most, he knew to make my shake and bring my juice plus capsules up every morning for breakfast, made sure I always had water to drink, looked out for things I needed done and did them without a word. I feel so incredibly loved.

    The first couple of weeks I did my best to process my birth story, to sit with the feelings. I talked through things with the midwife assistant who did my postpartum care, she is so very encouraging and honest. That was very helpful as well. I have no regrets about the way Genevieve was born, there are things I wonder if I had done differently if things would have ended up differently. But I know I can't dwell on the 'what if's' so I don't. It was reassuring to hear L's praise and encouragement, to hear her recount the story in an optimistic light. She made me feel that my baby and I were special and won't soon be forgotten. It helped me to not feel like I had failed. I know I never want to go through childbirth again, before the birth I thought it would be somewhat sad to go through it one last time. Now I am confident Genevieve is the last to pass through my womb. I suppose that helps with closure of a season, I've always hoped I would feel peace about the completion of my family and I'm grateful for it.

    I absolutely loved how sweet and tiny Genevieve was, it never got old that she was soooo tiny. Babies in our family are on the larger side. She would snuggle on my chest and just stay right where I put her, I typed up her birth story like that. Just a few weeks later she's made up for it and isn't so teeny tiny. I tried to imagine many times what she would look like and I prayed she would be small, I prayed she would have red hair and blue eyes, I prayed for a quick easy birth.

    It's so hard to process unanswered prayers, you may never know why God chose not to answer them. I prayed for this baby for 5 years before I got her, I see so much good in why we waited so long but it was so so hard to wait. I'm sad of course that my prayer was not answered, but I trust God's perfect judgement and I know bad things can sometimes just be the results of sin in the world. So I journal and pray, sit with the feelings and thank God for all the good we see and have, especially this perfect little baby.